Reflections:

Anyone who knows me knows a little about UBU. They may not have any specific familiarity with UBU as the organization I formed to help people break free from others' expectations and live authentically, but they can sense that I believe in living life fully, with purpose and very few regrets.  As an idealist, I value that which 'should/can be' over that which is...simply because I've found that in more cases than I care to see, "what is" is laced with pretention, insecurity, fear and self-doubt.   

UBU is not an acronym (the letters don't stand for anything), it is a state of mind.  In 1999, while having a dialogue with a friend about the trivial problems encountered in relationships, our conversation turned to the importance of self-love and confidence and the role they each play in maintaining harmony and balance (with ourselves and others).  It was then that I made the decision to devote more of my time and resources to the bridge-building necessary to repair suffering relationships and broken confidence. But in order to help others, I had to begin with me: my faults, my shortcomings and my habits.
  

AHA!! 

I shouldn't have been surprised to learn that some of my relationships suffered because of my own preconceived notions, biases and unresolved childhood patterns. It takes two to have a relationship (true enough), but I could not ignore the fact that in some cases, I was single-handedly destroying and discouraging relationships without the participation from or involvement of another party.

Pause.  GULP.  Sound familiar?

So here's where the message comes in.  If you're trying to figure out "what's so wrong with other people", the best person to start with...is you.  In order to be rid of unnecessary strife, confusion and cycles of drama, you must take inventory and assume responsibility for the things you need to change about yourself.  Self-awareness is a power thing.  Tao Tzu famously said, "Knowing others is wisdom...knowing yourself is enlightenment".

UBU is about my journey away from destructive cycles; towards healthy and mutually supportive ones...it's about my realization that sometimes I will need to walk alone - and be okay with that (I am, by the way).  When you choose to be guided by principles of authenticity and harmony, it doesn't mean you will keep the same friends or people will love you more.  Through the process, you WILL love yourself more and that, my friend is priceless!

 My inner motor is charged by happiness, joy and a zest for life. I try to savor every interaction and leave nothing to chance.  As I pondered upon a particularly disturbing interaction with someone, I realized that her inner motor was charged by mistrust, bitterness and anger and her behavior towards me wasn't about me.  She carried hurt from her past and mistrust from previous relationships.  As a result, she lacked a healthy self-concept and was unaware of how much her past shaped her current actions and belief system.  Wow!  I started analyzing this and thought for a while about how much our belief system shapes our actions.  What an amazing revelation!  An emotion came over me that was too powerful to be ignored and at that moment, I was certain of one thing...my life was about to change and as a result, so would the lives of countless other women.  It was this moment in 1999 that I gave birth to UBU.

In November of 2002, I embarked on a formal journey to unite women and test the theory that we CAN have and maintain healthy relationships.  I held a very strong belief that despite the challenges, envy and unnecessary drama that sometimes plague us, if a woman loves herself enough, she would do what was necessary to rise above those obstacles and seek peace and harmony....even if it means facing certain truths about herself.
 

The vehicle I used to make this possible was the formation of a book club.  I invited women from my work and graduate school circles and we gathered for our first meeting in the fall of 2002.  My excitement was palpable!  Not being an avid reader myself, one would think starting a book club lacked reason.  "Why would someone who doesn't read much start a book club?".  [Here's where I chuckle at how simple that sounds] You see, the great thing about having and commiting to a vision is that it will not always make sense to others ---and it doesn't have to!  My focus was not on people (in this case, the women in the book club), but on the divinely-inspired vision I'd been given to unite women on a different level; a level that forces them to rise above "stuff" so they could truly live and enjoy the life they're meant to...free of drama, envy, mistrust, insecurity and strife.  I made a conscious decision not to see these women as the people they were presenting themselves to be, but as potential branches to the living UBU vine.  Some were chosen because of the challenges they had with key maternal figures in their family, some were chosen because they didn't have natural sisters and some were not chosen at all, but recommended by someone already in the group.  Regardless the reason, I believed the book club would be the foundation of greater UBU work.  I wasn't 100% wrong, but I wasn't 100% right, either.